Having a preschooler is like living with a tornado in human form. A non-stop whirlwind of enthusiasm, defiance and, let’s be honest, complete and utter craziness, getting out the door with your preschooler can be the second toughest part of the day (let’s not talk about bedtime just yet!). Here are 36 of the thoughts that run through my head when I’m trying to leave the house with my four-year-old. (*All names have been changed to protect late running parties!)
1. Where’s the child?
2. Where are her shoes?
3. Did I really dress her in that outfit? Oh wait, no, she did that herself.
4. Is it really important that I brush her hair?
5. I’m sure just shoving it in a ponytail will be fine. Voila! Messy chic!
6. Where’s a wipe, there’s breakfast on her chin.
7. How did cereal get so crusty in such a short time?
8. How on Earth can she still be hungry?
9. Fine, have a yogurt pouch. What do I care if your teeth rot.
10. I do care if your teeth rot. Here’s your toothbrush, now brush your teeth.
11. Still no shoes—can you go pick a pair?
12. No, sandals are not appropriate when it’s looking like snow.
13. You want to change your outfit again? No you can’t wear the Elsa costume.
14. Fine you can wear the Elsa crown and take the Elsa doll with you instead.
15. What about Anna? Why does Anna always get left out?
16. Personally, Anna is my favorite.
17. Crap, where has the child gone again?
18. Why is it when I need to make a phone call or go to the bathroom she refuses to play by herself, and yet when it’s time to leave the house, I find her playing quietly in her room?
19. Argh. I’m going to have to clean up all these toys again.
20. Or am I? Surely four is old enough to put away her own toys?
21. I really need a coffee.
22. Where’s my bag?
23. No snacks in the bag—rookie mistake. Where are the rice crackers, Goldfish and popcorn packets?
24. And the water bottle—better refill it quickly.
25. Do I have enough spare clothes and a pack of baby wipes?
26. When can I stop carrying snacks, water bottles and baby wipes with me everywhere I go?
27. I feel like a sherpa.
28. Coffee’s cold. Ice coffee it is!
29. Phone, jackets, scarves, hats, shoes, scooter, helmet, check.
30. Where’s the child? Get out of my perfumes!
31. Go to the potty! I know you need to go!
32. Where are my keys?
33. The dog. Crap. Literally.
34. We’re late. So so so so late.
35. That’s alright, Sandra* will be later than us.
36. Ok, we can do this! Where’s that coffee?
This article was first published on MommyNearest