I had all kinds of best intentions before my daughter was born. I was going to be kind, patient and wise. I wasn’t going to yell or swear or judge. I was going to be the very model of perfect parent who my daughter would adore. Sound familiar? So far, my sage words of life wisdom haven’t been heard by my preschooler’s tiny ears so much as this barrage of “please dont’s” and poo talk. How many of these 30 sentences have you said to your child today?
1. Good job on your poo, honey!
2. Stop calling me “poo bum.”
3. It’s not nice to keep yelling “poo poo bum bum.”
4. Wipe the poo out of your front business.
5. Keep your pants on.
6. Undies to sit on the couch, no bare bums.
7. Don’t put that in your mouth.
8. Don’t put that up your nose.
9. Don’t touch anything in the bathroom.
10. It’s not nice to “kill” people.
11. Stop licking my face.
12. Don’t sit on the dog.
13. Don’t kiss the dog’s face.
14. Don’t lick my jeans.
15. Stop carrying the dog by its neck.
16. You need to wear pants to school.
17. Don’t spit water in other people’s face.
18. Stop hitting me on the bottom.
19. Use your words.
20. Using myself in the 3rd person: “Mommy loves you!”
21. Don’t drink the pool water.
22. Don’t drink the bathwater.
23. Get your fingers out of your nose.
24. Can you please pee in the toilet today, not your pants?
25. Mommy doesn’t want your boogers wiped all over her face.
26. Don’t touch the poo on the floor!
27. Don’t wipe your snot on your clothes.
28. Stop yelling at me!
29. I know, it’s sad that ice doesn’t shoot out of your shoes like Elsa.
30. Mommy needs a break!
This article first appeared on MommyNearest.