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Surviving Silent Reflux

/ Cheese, Family, Kids / 2 Comments

This is a post I wrote a while back for The Fussy Baby site, about our battle with silent reflux.

Surviving Silent Reflux via christineknight.me

Before my baby was born, I spent months in search of the perfect everything: The crib that would be the perfect size to wheel into our bedroom, an organic mattress that would ensure no toxins be near her sweet head, a stroller with bassinet so as not to disturb her slumber.

I was under the illusion that babies sleep, on things, other than me.

Our little girl, you see, would not sleep in her crib. When we placed her in it after arriving home from the hospital, she screamed until we picked her up again.

baby-reflux-1

Unperturbed, we tried again. Same result. Scrunched up her face and gave high pitched wails.

Exhausted, we let her sleep with us in bed, with my husband and I taking turns to be propped up with the baby on our chest.

The next day, after a sleepless night for us both, we tried again. The bassinet in the stroller? Negative. The play mat on the floor? Nope. The crib – one more time! Uh-uh, still hating it.

The only place Cheese would stop screaming was upright, in our arms. We reasoned that maybe she just liked being held. Maybe she’d change her mind soon and decide that she loved the crib!

That night we started a routine that would last the next six weeks. My husband and I would rotate shifts during the night, sitting awake on the couch, holding the baby while the other got a few hours sleep. My husband would then go to work, looking somewhat like a zombie, and I would spend the day holding the baby.

Having to hold her while she was asleep turned out to be a sweet relief from the alternative. It felt like if she wasn’t asleep or feeding, Cheese was screaming.

People, including the pediatrician, insisted on multiple occasions that if we read the “Happiest Baby on the Block” book that it would change our lives. Taking advice from the book, we shushed, swaddled and swung our hearts out, but we were convinced we were doing it wrong, because Cheese kept crying.

We bought a ring sling to carry Cheese in since she wouldn’t sit or lie in the stroller, and we had a breakthrough. If we walked the baby in the sling, she would eventually stop crying.

Sometimes 10 minutes of walking would do it, other times almost an hour of pacing the streets would be needed. We felt so relieved that we had finally found something that stopped the baby screaming. We also got to know our neighbourhood extremely well.

We kept returning to the pediatrician, convinced there was something more we could do to stop the screaming, to get Cheese to sleep on anything except our chests. The answer was always the same: “It’s colic! She’ll grow out of it”.

Never mind that we weren’t sleeping, and I was going completely out of my brain. I felt like I was all alone, drowning in misery and exhaustion.

I was trying so hard to do my best for our baby, but no-one would listen to me, no-one would help.

My baby was obviously in pain and I couldn’t do anything for help her. It was a very hard, dark time. I cried a lot. I hated my baby. I hated myself for hating my baby.

My husband and I didn’t know what to do. We truly believed something was wrong with our baby, but didn’t know what. It was heartbreaking seeing our baby in so much discomfort every day, and feeling completely powerless to help her.

We disagreed with our pediatrician’s opinion, but didn’t realise that we had other options than those presented to us at the time.

The breakthrough moment came for us when a friend emailed me after reading my blog post on the difficulties we were experiencing with Cheese. She suggested our baby might have something called “silent reflux“, which I’d never heard of.

I looked it up online, and the symptoms matched Cheese’s exactly. I went straight back to the pediatrician, and asked if this is what our baby could be suffering from. The pediatrician replied that most babies had some degree of reflux and, again, she would grow out of it.

Because Cheese wasn’t vomiting and was gaining weight, no help was offered. I persisted, requesting medication and the pediatrician reluctantly gave us Zantac, repeating that our baby would eventually outgrow it and there wasn’t much we could do to help her.

I can’t describe how this made me feel. My pediatrician made me feel like I was overreacting, like I was a crazy woman who couldn’t deal with a normal, new baby.

We waited the time period the pediatrician asked us to try the Zantac for, and at the end of the period (a week and a half?) with no change I returned and asked for a referral to see a pediatric gastroenterologist, as I refused to believe that there was nothing to be done to help our little Cheese.

We were given the referral somewhat reluctantly (“They’ll tell you exactly what I have”, our pediatrician told us) but I felt certain there was more we could do.

Our visit to the pediatric gastroenterologist was life-changing. For a start, she believed our baby had a medical problem, and she also wanted to help us.

During our visit she gave us a fantastic list of things we could try to help our baby deal with the reflux, asked that we try these for a few weeks, and if things didn’t improve asked us to return for a different medication that they preferred not to give if they didn’t need to. Here is a run down of the suggestions we were given:

Feeding: when feeding, stop the baby every 3 – 5 min, distract him/her, then keep feeding. This stops their stomach from getting overfull and helps to stop as much of the stomach contents from coming back up and causing reflux.

Sleeping: try placing the baby on surfaces that are a long slope. Don’t put the baby flat for too long or in things that crunch her tummy at a right angle.

Baby carriers: keeping the baby upright during the day as much as possible is meant to help, as reflux is cumulative.

We followed the advice and soon after our visit, things started to slowly got better. We had been given a vibrating bouncer from Fisher Price and, miracle of miracles, when we put the baby in it, she slept.

After a very long six weeks of the baby sleeping only on our chests, my husband and I finally had our first night sleeping in bed. At the same time. It. Was. Amazing.

Cheese still screamed a lot for the first four months, and it took us until she was six months of age to get her to sleep in her crib. (Yes, she slept in the vibrating bouncer for four-and-a-half months.)

It was a very, very slow progression, but we finally made it through the reflux and out to the other side.

10 Unrealistic Expectations I Had About Being A Parent

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Unrealistic Expectations I Had About Becoming A Parent via christineknight.me

Before my baby was born I had spent minimal time around other people’s kids. I tended to see their sweet, sleeping babies at picnics, and happily held their infants while they were smiling or snoozing, then handed them back if they started fussing.

It’s no surprise then that when I had my own baby I was in for a rude awakening of what life as a parent was really like. Here are a few of the unrealistic expectations I had about parenting—and the truth about life as it actually ended up.

1. Baby would sleep through the night after a few weeks

I actually thought that after a few initial weeks—maybe up to three months max—my baby would just go to sleep on her own and sleep through the night. Baby has now turned three and is still waking up during the night several times a week. Ouch.

2. Sleep training would magically work forever

I attempted to sleep train my infant at 10 months when my husband and I were at breaking point. While we were initially successful, a few months later she was back to her old evening habits. It turns out that infants, toddlers and preschoolers wake up for a variety of reasons, even if you sleep train them. Our nights are now awoken by bad dreams, wanting milk and just a few “no reasons” for good measure.

3. I’d fit back in my old jeans a few weeks later

I’m pretty sure I remember a friend saying they walked out of the hospital in their pre-pregnancy jeans. I’ve clearly not spoken to them since as my own experience was very different. Despite eating carefully and exercising continually during pregnancy, I was still carrying a lot of extra weight when I left the hospital, and continued to carry this extra weight for the entire following year.

4. Breastfeeding would melt away the pounds

While breastfeeding did indeed burn extra calories, I was also consuming extra calories to keep up the milk supply. While some moms looked super skinny after only a few weeks post birth, I continued to look chubby even while I was breastfeeding around the clock. Those daily bagels with cream cheese did not help, no matter how tasty they were, and it was only a change to a healthier diet removed the extra baby weight.

5. I’d get back into my old exercise routine

I had big dreams that after the first six months or so, I would get back into the sports I loved to play pre-baby with a vengeance. I had neglected to realize how exhausted I’d be from being up all night with the baby, and from entire days spent strolling, rocking, swaying and soothing. Even now, with my baby as a pre schooler, I’m still so tired at the end of a day of chasing her around, begging her to go potty and teaching her playground etiquette/road safety rules/table manners that I am desperate to just sit on my ass on the couch and eat ice cream by my self. I am starting to get back into yoga again and we are exercising as a family with bike riding on weekends, so I’m hopeful that I will be fit again with a new routine.

6. Parenting would get easier

Even though hateful people would smugly say to me in the street, when I was frantically rocking my screaming infant, “Oh, it only gets harder!” (um, thank you?), I was still hopeful that once I passed the crazy newborn stage things would get easier. I have to say, that having such a difficult baby who suffered from reflux made our baby stage a lot harder than it should have been, so while things did get a bit easier once the reflux was outgrown, a whole heap of new challenges popped up to keep us on our toes. Tantrums. Defiance. Fussy eating. Toilet training.

7. I’d be fine going straight back to work

I honestly thought I would take maternity leave and then happily leave my baby in daycare and return to my old career path, with not a care in the world. Instead, I couldn’t bare the thought of leaving her in full-time care, so I’ve been working freelance where possible, and feeling guilty (there it is, the mom guilt!) for any time I spend away from her and she’s in daycare.

8. I’d know what to do with a baby

All the parents I knew pre-baby looked so confident, toting around their babies, bringing them to weddings in their car seats where they slept through the reception, that I was sure it would be a breeze. And yet, when we were leaving the hospital, it dawned on me that I had no idea what to do with this baby. How could these medical professionals let me take home such a fragile creature, without making sure I was going to be a capable parent? How would I know what to do when she cried? How hot should her bath be? Should I use special wipes with no chemicals in them?

9. Potty training would take five days

There’s been so much hoopla about the five-day (and even three-day!) potty training method that I actually thought it would only take me five days. Try six months on-and-off and still going. With poo phobia, not wanting to stop playing to go to the bathroom and a stubborn temperament, it’s taking a whole lot longer than I could have possibly anticipated.

10. Our bond would be instant

When I was handed my baby in the hospital, I was so traumatized by the birth that I felt emotionally numb. I expected a flooding of love and happiness, but instead felt nothing but pain and exhaustion. What I didn’t know was that not all bonds between Mum and baby are formed instantly, and that it’s normal if they start slow and get stronger over time. While in the beginning I worried that I didn’t feel enough affection for my baby, over time I realised that my heart had been slowly and constantly filling with little bits of love, until one day I discovered that it was so completely full with love for my child that it felt like it was about to explode.

What unrealistic expectations did you have about what parenthood would be like?

This article first appeared on Mommynearest.com

9 Baby “Lasts” I’ll Miss (And Also Celebrate)

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The Baby

So much of having a baby is about their firsts. First smile, first laugh, first crawl and first step. What we often forget is that with each “first” comes a “last.” The last time your baby will crawl, the last time they will sleep in their crib, the last time they breastfeed. These lasts are usually unexpected and often not even noticed until they’re long gone. Then, you might mourn these little moments that made your baby a baby. These are the lasts I’ll miss the most:

1. Last night in the crib

Just before age two, my kid catapulted herself out of her crib and sprained her wrist. I had been planning on keeping her in her crib until college (or at least three!) because I knew what would lie ahead—night after night of returning her to her bed and lying next to her until she fell asleep. Easy bedtime and quiet nights to ourselves were truly over.

2. Last time crawling

The turbo-charged crawler starts to pull themselves up, and suddenly you need to take childproofing to the next level in your house. The coffee table, shelves and drawers are all fair game. Soon, say goodbye to storing your breakables on table tops and bureaus, not to mention being able to cook on the stove top without worrying someone will be pulling at the pots and pans. There’s also something insanely cute about a crawling baby with their butt up in the air that I’ll miss seeing zoom around the floor.

3. Last time in the high chair

Our kid is truly done with the high chair—even if I’d prefer she wasn’t! It was so much easier having a kid contained with the tray around her to prevent a mess all over the house. Yes, it’s now easier in terms of seating at restaurants, but our house is a disaster of crumbs and fallen pieces of fruit, bread, cheese and unidentifiable half-masticated objects.

4. Last “mama”

Somehow over the past few weeks “mama” has turned into “mom,” often said like this: “Moooooooom” (and with rolled eyes). And she’s not quite three.

5. Last garbled words

She’s been calling strawberries “bubbies” for about a year, and we now call them the same name. Yesterday, she said “strawberry” for the first time and I almost cried. Does this mean I can’t call them “bubbies” anymore, too?

6. Last time changing a diaper

I won’t lie—I’ve been looking forward to this day for years! Not only is it great not to waste so much money every month on diapers, it’s also a big step for our little one in feeling like she’s finally a big girl.

7. Last time in onesies

Of all the baby outfits out there, onesies were my favorite. They go on and off super easy, have snaps to make diaper changes simple and cover the back to keep it warm, I was devastated when my girl outgrew them. Not only did I have to worry about finding bloomers for under her dresses and skirts (and keeping her back warm in cooler weather), but it was a big sign that my baby was no longer a baby.

8. Last mushing-up of food

There’s nothing fun about making multiple meals for every member in the house every day. Now that our kid eats basically the same food as us, it’s cut down my daily personal chef time by 50%. Hooray for a bit of time back!

9. Last nap

As she grew, my little one’s naps slowly dropped from all day, to three, to two and then one. And now…none. I miss naps like nothing else! Those precious quiet hours during the middle of the day have been replaced with entertaining a toddler who wants to keep on playing while you’d prefer to be eating lunch, watching Netflix or doing laundry.

This article first appeared on MommyNearest.com

The Four Things You Need To Know About Newborns

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The Only Four Things You Need To Know About Newborns via akissgoodnight.co

I’ll never forget those first torturous months of parenthood. Second guessing every decision I made, Googling everything from “swaddle too tight?” to “dropped iphone on babys head”. My complete lack of confidence in my parenting ability made me seek advice from any source possible. I read every book from The Happiest Baby On The Block to The New Basics, and found so many opposing ideas on every part of baby’s life that I was left paralyzed with confusion as what to do with this new, screaming, red-faced creature.

Fast-forward to almost three years later. With a toddler who managed to survive despite my lack of parenting skills, I feel vastly more confident around babies. When friends who are about to have a new baby come to me with questions, my best advice comes down to these four, simple points:

1. You can’t spoil a baby

Does this sound familiar? “Don’t hold the baby all day or it will get used to it and won’t go to sleep by itself”, “Feed the baby every four hours from birth” (ignoring all the wailing in between). Great advice given to new parents by people who don’t have to live with their newborn baby. “You’re spoiling the baby!” My feeling is that life with a newborn is hard enough without trying to persuade him/her that it doesn’t want what it wants. The one thing that made life easier for me was realizing that this tiny new creature had NO IDEA where it was or what it was supposed to be doing in this brand new life. The baby was confused, scared and needed me. So that’s what I did – I gave the baby what it needed to make both our lives as easy and pleasant as possible. I held, fed, and slept on-demand for those first few months while baby was adjusting to life on the outside. There is plenty of time for feeding and sleep schedules in the coming months. How about we all just focus on getting through each day as best we can for those first, hard months?

2. Do what you need to do

Mothers have so much pressure put on them to do what’s right for the baby, even if this is completely opposed to what’s best for the mother. If we all remember that we’re all doing the best we can and stop judging each other, it’s much easier for moms to put their own health and wellbeing as a priority, and do whatever they need to do to survive. This might mean bottle or formula feeding. It might mean taking a break and getting a sitter, or even going somewhere overnight to just get a full nights sleep. Whatever you need to survive, that’s what’s best for your baby.

3. When you’re at breaking point, get help

Those moms who look like they’ve got it all together? Secret: they’re probably putting on a really good front. Being a first-time mom is so hard, even if some women make it look easy. If you’re struggling, miserable, lonely, depressed – get help. It does not mean you’re not a good mother if you need help – it actually makes you a smart mama. If you don’t have friends or family nearby to listen, lend a hand, take the baby, or take you out for wine when you need a break, then hire help if possible. Don’t struggle alone thinking it makes you a failure if you’re not coping. We’ve all been there and felt like we couldn’t make it another hour let alone another day.

4. Enjoy the good parts

I had such a difficult baby that I absolutely HATED it when people told me to “enjoy every moment”, particularly when most of her early moments were pure misery for me. I suggest enjoying the moments that are great, and trying to survive the rest. Do not feel guilty if you don’t enjoy every single moment. Yes your baby will grow super fast, and yes these moments are precious. They can also be super hard, particularly in the beginning, when every day seems to stretch into eternity. And you know, life in general isn’t amazing and enjoyable every second of every day – even for non-parents. So take the pressure off. If you can enjoy and cherish a part of each day, I’d say you’re doing pretty well.

Disclaimer: I am not a baby expert. Not by a long shot. This is just what worked for me. Good luck new mama, I’m rooting for you!

This article first appeared on Mommynearest.com

The Ways Having A Baby Has Changed My Marriage (For Better and Worse)

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Ways My Marriage Changed Post-Baby via akissgoodnight.co

I naively thought that having a baby would be super romantic. That we would catch each other’s eyes over our blissfully sleeping baby’s head and smile lovingly at each other. I thought having a baby would bring my husband and I even closer together, but the reality is so much more complicated than I had imagined it would be. Having a baby certainly changed our marriage, in ways that are both good and bad.

1. We want to spend any free time alone

At the end of the day, pre-baby, I used to look forward to eating dinner together, snuggling on the couch, and curling up to watch a movie. After spending all day and often all night with our baby however, all each of us wants is time to ourselves. My husband loves playing computer games to shoot his stress out, and I love eating chocolate and watching The Bachelor (no judgement, please!).

2. Every parent for themselves

Especially in that first year with our difficult baby, my husband and I were both so exhausted and sleep deprived that we just didn’t care how the other person felt. We were doing everything we could individually to survive, often at the detriment of the other person. “Sure, you are tired, but hey, I’m MORE tired” is how we were feeling. It become a competition as to who was the most tired, the most frustrated, the most in need of a break. Thankfully as our child got older, we started to work together as a team.

3.Emotions are heightened

Pre-baby, it’s much easier to deal with annoyances from your partner. He doesn’t take the garbage out, not a big deal. Your tolerance level for things is generally a lot higher, so there’s less arguing and bickering. Take away your sleep and time to yourself, and suddenly the smallest, most inconsequential things can make you snap. Stupid things cause epic fights, like “you ate the last of the chocolate!”

Ways My Marriage Changed Post-Baby via akissgoodnight.co

4. Time together is scarce

I kind of figured that once Baby came along we would have less time together, but it just didn’t dawn on me until she actually arrived and we brought her home that we would never be able to go out alone again unless we planned in advance and organised it with babysitters. Good bye spontaneity, and also basically the end of dinners out alone. When factoring in the cost of a babysitter to a meal, it suddenly became so expensive to go out for dinner that we would only splurge for birthdays and anniversaries.

5. Your conversations change

Pre-baby, you might have discussed intellectual things like climate change and politics over dinner. Post baby, our conversations are all about poop. Even three years on, it’s still all about poop.

6. He looks at you in an entirely different way

After having a baby, you reach a new level of intimacy with your partner. They’ve seen things they might wish they hadn’t, but have also seen you exposed, vulnerable, and powerful as you give birth to their child. Your relationship can’t ever be the same again as they’ve witnessed your literal transformation into becoming a mother.

Ways My Marriage Changed Post-Baby via akissgoodnight.co

7. You’re tied together forever

Sure, beforehand you said vows to be together forever, but having a baby solidifies that you really will be in each others’ lives forever, no matter what. It’s an added incentive to make your marriage work, and an achievement you’ve accomplished together. Creating a person! The baptism of fire that is childbirth and then raising a child! With this new parenting gig, you really are in this together forever.

8. Priorities change

If I’m really honest, my priorities before baby came along were still pretty focussed on myself. My husband was my priority because being with him made me happy – meaning I was still my own main priority. Having a baby threw both of our priorities out the window. Our child is now our first priority – both of our first priority, which really strengthens our marriage and feeling of being a team.

9. The love you have for each other changes

We might not go out on dates much anymore, or do many “romantic” things (right now, my husband watching the child so I can go to a yoga class is so romantic), but our love for each other is actually stronger than ever before. It’s just different. That giddy feeling has been replaced by a deep respect. I look at my husband and I am blown away by what an amazing father he is. I’m in awe of the love he shows our daughter, the patience and kindness, even when she’s being incredibly difficult. I had no idea before we had a baby that I could love a man even more after seeing how he loved someone else.

Photos by Vincent Lai, Saving Grace Photography, Bridget Eldridge Photography.
This article first appeared on Mommynearest.com

Dear New Mum …

/ Kids / 10 Comments

Dear new mum,

Yes you, the one who I see at my local park, swaying and rocking and shushing your baby in the carrier, walking in circles around the block to get your wailing, sleep-despising baby to give in to sleep.

I see the bags under your eyes. I see exhaustion in your face. I see how close to tears you are. I see it all and in you, I see me.

You probably look at me and my toddler – almost preschooler – and think I’ve had it easy. You watch as she plays independently on the jungle gym, face plants after a fall on the monkey bars, then picks herself up and declares that she will try again, all while I’m laughing with a friend, relaxing nearby.

It wasn’t always like this. It wasn’t always fun and stress-free to take an outing to the playground. I remember a time when I was the one power-walking around my neighborhood to the tune of a wailing newborn, too scared to look people in the face for fear of their reactions – rarely sympathetic, often wondering exactly what I’d done to that baby to make her scream like that. I remember holding my baby upright, all night long, for weeks on end, because reflux prevented her from sleeping any other way. I remember being so tired I literally collapsed every night into a coma-like sleep, only to be woken a few hours later, hoping that the screaming, miserable baby had just been a bad dream.

You are probably asking your pediatrician for help. Desperately begging for an answer to stop the crying, the wailing, the nights where your baby is up every half hour and you think you just can’t it take any more. You’re told patronisingly that they’ll “grow out of it in a few months”, which seems like a lifetime when every day seems to last an eternity.

Dear new mum. What I want to say to you is, you are not alone. You are me two-and-a-half years ago, drowning in despair and unable to find your way out of the newborn fog. It might not seem like it, and you might want to punch your doctor in the face every time he tells you that it will end, but he’s right, it will end, even though it seems like it won’t. In the meantime, don’t hide in the darkness. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your baby is a hard baby and you need support. Speak up and be heard – your voice matters, your health and sanity matter.

Dear new mum. I was you not long ago. I want to tell you that I see you, I see how much you love your baby even though you also want to throw it out the window some days, because no matter how exhausted and lonely and miserable you are, you are still pushing yourself past your physical and emotional limits every single day, not giving up.

You might feel like you’re struggling through this alone and that no one sees you as your own person anymore, but you’re not invisible. I see you. You matter. And it will get better, I promise.

You Know You’re A Brooklyn Baby When …

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Your Saltwater sandals match your mama’s.

The neighbourhood playground equipment teaches how to hail a cab.

You wear a swimsuit and take sand toys to the sprinklers instead of the beach.

The first piano you played was weighted down with cement blocks, and situated under a stone archway.

You end playdates with a slice of wood-fired pizza.

Your stroller is an SUV (hello Bugaboo and Uppababy!).

Your playground has Manhattan as a backdrop.

Your summer treat is ice cream – made with milk and eggs from local cows and chickens, churned the previous day.

You think horses live on a carousel.

All your friends live within walking distance.

You have a jaunty hat collection.

Your first milkshake was at Brooklyn Farmacy (right after a Jitterbugs show).

You’ve been riding the subway like pro since you were four weeks old. (Choo choo!!)

Everything you own is in miniature to fit in a small Brooklyn apartment (like your kitchen and piano).

Your first dance class was at the Mark Morris Dance Center where you mingled with off-duty company members.

Your stuffed toys are handmade by local artists.

You have an item in your wardrobe identifying you as, indeed, a Brooklyn baby.

Why we’re only having one kid

/ Kids / 4 Comments

People ask me all the time when we’re planning on having a second child. When I answer that we’re not, I always get a barrel of questions. I feel like everyone’s choice to have any number of children, from zero to 10, is a very personal decision, yet people seem to feel free to ask about our (and everyone else’s, it seems!) child-choices, frequently in front of other people.

(Brief sidebar on asking people about when they’re planning to have children, be it their first or fourth. You never know someone’s personal situation. People who are childless might have been trying to get pregnant for years. Someone who has one child who has hit two, might be wanting a second child, but either can’t conceive or may have had a miscarriage. From someone who found it difficult to get pregnant, and who struggled to cheerfully answer people’s questions on when we were having a baby, please, please, please don’t EVER ask someone when they’re going to have a kid. Sidebar over.)

For the record, Alec and I are pretty sure we only want one child. Maybe in a few years we’ll change our minds, but I think it’s unlikely. Here are the reasons that we’re pretty sure Eloise is going to be an only child.

1. I had a horrible childbirth experience.
2. The first six months of Eloise’s life were miserable for all of us. A sad reflux baby and no sleep for anyone. We’re still traumatised by it.
3. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep for the first 10 months of Eloise’s life. She’s still a bad sleeper, and wakes up a few nights a week on average. I am so. tired.
4. Alec and I feel like we are just holding everything together, with having one child. We have no idea how people manage lives with multiple children. Our respect to all parents with lots of kids! We know that we just couldn’t handle it.
5. We want to spend a lot of our lives travelling, and want to take Eloise with us. The more kids you add to that, not only the more expensive it gets, but the more years you spend not being able to travel.
6. We want to give all of our attention and resources to Eloise to help her achieve her dreams. We don’t feel that with multiple kids we’d be as able to do this.
7. For a very selfish, personal reason, I feel ready to get my life back on track, after spending two years pregnant and taking care of infant Eloise. I’m finding it really hard to get back into the work force after this gap and trying to take care of Eloise, so I can’t even begin to imagine how much even harder it would be if I had a second kid – both because of time out from the work force, but also trying to take care of two kids and balancing work. I can’t even begin to imagine how people do it. Again – my utmost respect to everyone who does! You’re all super human 🙂
8. We both love Eloise so much it’s just insane. We feel so complete as a family of three that we just have no desire to add anyone else to it. I probably should have put this as number one, as it’s the absolute main reason. The other points are factors that reassure me that this is the right choice for us, but, at the end of the day, it just keeps coming back to our family feeling complete. Me, Alec and Eloise.

I constantly think about how this choice of ours will effect Eloise. I don’t worry about her being bored or lonely – especially since we are living in Brooklyn, where she has friends all within walking distance. I expect it will be hardest on her being an only child when she is an adult. A lot of my friends get a great deal of support from their siblings who live nearby, helping with their kids. A lot also don’t get any help from siblings living nearby, so just having a sibling doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to have more help with your family later on.

The other thing is ageing parents. My number one biggest concern about having only one child is that Eloise will have to deal with Alec and I ageing and dying on her own, with no siblings to share this huge burden with. Life is so uncertain though, and you never know how things will go. While I’m a massive planner of everything possible, I don’t feel like this worry of mine is worth having another child, just for this specific concern. I hope with all my heart that Eloise will find an amazing partner like I did, who will happily share her life – and all the baggage it brings – with the grace and unselfishness that Alec has brought to my life.

In Defence of Toddlers

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I feel like toddlers get a pretty bad rap for being out of control maniacs. And there is definitely some truth to this – most days Eloise spins through my life like mad squirrel, leaving total destruction behind her. Even though some parts of this stage can be trying (mind-numbing exhaustion at the end of each day!), it’s actually my favourite stage yet. Here’s why:

1. Hugs and kisses. I get them ALL THE TIME. Open mouth French slobbers, little pecks on the mouth, and little hands that grab me from behind and nestle in for a snuggle. Ahhhhh this is the best thing of all.
2. Words! Finally, she is communicating! True, it’s still hard to understand what she’s saying a lot of the time, but hearing this little baby-child wrap her lips and tongue around words like bath, dog, duck, flower just fill me with awe at seeing tiny changes happening every minute of every day.
3. Pretend play. Eloise holds up any phone-sized object to her ear and conducts a deep conversation with it, complete with the correct intonations. Kill me now, I’m dying from the cuteness of it all.
4. Dance moves. The little girl has her own groove going on. Put on music and she’s swaying and tapping her feet out of natural instinct.
5. She can feed herself. Here’s the food, off you go, baby.
6. She’s not that screaming, refluxy infant anymore who made me doubt my ability to do this parenting job. Compared to the first ten months of her life, toddlerhood is a breeze so far.

Isla Paige Johnston

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I was so thrilled to meet Isla as she made her debut to the world on Feb 24th.

Congratulations Shell and Eric, she’s just devine 🙂