My usual New Year’s resolutions are typically the same every year. Eat less sugar. Exercise more. Do a course to improve my mind. Find a better job. I always forget about them after I write them down, probably because they’re all things that I don’t have to really work on – they’re the things that you either DO or you DON’T DO, they’re not things that require a change from within.
This year I’m trying something new – a new kind of resolution. What I want to change the most is myself, in these simple yet hard ways. I’m often just so tired, so worn out that I catch myself saying and doing things that I regret later on. Snapping at Alec. Being impatient with Missy E. The look on her face when she tries to get my attention as I’m frantically trying to check my email on my phone and she wants me to play with her … I always resolve to try better, to do better. And so here I am, really hoping to spend 2014 becoming a better person in these few, but important ways.
I’m a grudge holder from way back. I was teased and bullied a lot when I was younger, and it’s made me someone who gets their back up easily and finds it very difficult to forgive people any perceived wrong doings. It’s basically self-defence mechanism that is unconsciously in place to protect myself from getting hurt again. Holding on to anger though is like swallowing poison – it only hurts yourself, and it kills you slowly from the inside out.
I hate confrontations. So much. I hate saying things to people I care about that might upset them, so I’m not completely honest with the people I care about. I keep things inside and let them fester, because I’m too scared to say them to people’s faces incase they react badly and get mad at me. This is another form of poison that I need to try and stop by being braver, and trusting that the people I care about will value me enough to listen to what I have to say.
I’m always rush rush rushing everyone, particularly my spirited toddler, who finds the magic in every stoop in Brooklyn. I’m impatient at the best of times. I need some serious calm breathing and relaxing, and to remind myself not to rush this inquisitive little person who sees the details in the world, and its beauty, in a way that I no longer do. I need to spend more time seeing the world as she sees it – maybe it will become a more magical place for us both.
“Put down the phone mummy!”. It kills me when she says this. I want her not to have to say this to me anymore.
Harsh words slip out of my mouth, particularly when I’m tired. It doesn’t make them less hurtful, or harmful to relationships with my friends and family. Why can’t I just swallow these hurtful words down and say something more constructive instead? I have so much love for my family and friends. I just never tell them in words. 2014 will be the year of speaking with love.
Happy New Year’s to everyone out there! Thank you for reading my little blog. I wish you and your family a wonderful, kind, 2014.
Images thanks to Bridget Eldrige Photography